Solitude

Is it wrong to say that I am at peace with solitude? I hate to be alone but lots of times I would just love being myself. Many times I find that I so cannot fit in with a group of people. My problem , I just cannot initiate a conversation and I do not know the right thing to say. I don't know when people are kidding and when they are not. I need to attain self actualisation. Perhaps then I can be happier in the presence of others. I hate being alone all the time. I would go mad if I do not see human company in a day like some of those weekends in the hostel in France and how initially I spent some of my weekends here. It has been ages since I have gone absolutely crazy. Many people find me weird. Even though I maintain a calm dignified poise around myself. Some people are more free and less in control when intoxicated. In my case I don't need the booze just about enough of whatever hormones secreted by my body to make me sleep. Of late however, none of the two have worked any wonders on me though. It is like am contracting deeper and deeper inside a shell. For some reason, talks with close friends in india seem to make me sadder than happier. They would have to say something that would put me off for the rest of the week. I am not sure if I am depressed. But I know I have been in a similar state for at least two weeks. Am I in a mood swing right now. I am no longer an adolescent. Or is it that despite crossing the stage of puberty I am undergoing a late adolescence . Escapist routes are common ways to deal with this and my escapist route may be a little uncoventional. I tend to sleep way more often than not. It might be my escapist route. But what ever escapist route I take sooner or later I will have to come out of my shell and figure out what is wrong with me.

Beauty Base Zero

This was a word that I had come across in Suzanne Collins books of the hunger games. The word in the book means to strip down the person completely and start off from scratch. In other words, they make her take a bath and clean away all outer layers and then start making her look pretty from there. And like ground zero, this is base zero - no base at all.
And although people say stuff like beauty is only skin deep, and appearances don't matter .. stuff like that do not forget this world is also hypocritical . Everyone, everything in it seems to be living and breathing in hypocrisy. The very people who say stuff like I look at the person's heart not face when deciding so end up at their looks too and then ditch them. Why am I writing all this? Because although it has hit me late the painful truth has begun to grow.
Looks matter a lot from where you work, dine and any dammit place you go to. The cost of maintaining beauty. And the worst part is when some jerks do call you in the middle of the night to tell you how ugly you look.
I have acquired myopic vision since 8 years of age. And ever since I have had a pair of frames sitting on my nose. Unlike my contemporaries/peers I did not bother to diminish the size of the lenses so that instead of my nose they sit on my eye. Thank you very much. And due to my acute fear of surgery I have stayed away from lasik.
But that does not mean that they call me and accuse me of not switching to lenses and rant on about my hair (which I have to admit is unkempt) and how, I don't wear minis (!!!) else they would have definitely asked me out (excuse me ). They want to go out with a totally different person. I can transform into the person but that is soooo not me.
What might seem weird is that these very people tell me am a nice person. Now I don't need their stamp of approval to know how nice or pretty I am. Like how someone said this world does not seem to be in black and white but in various shades of grey with specks of black and white .. The specks being so tiny that mostly they go unnoticed. I guess hypocrisy about the real beauty is one of them.