Solitude

Is it wrong to say that I am at peace with solitude? I hate to be alone but lots of times I would just love being myself. Many times I find that I so cannot fit in with a group of people. My problem , I just cannot initiate a conversation and I do not know the right thing to say. I don't know when people are kidding and when they are not. I need to attain self actualisation. Perhaps then I can be happier in the presence of others. I hate being alone all the time. I would go mad if I do not see human company in a day like some of those weekends in the hostel in France and how initially I spent some of my weekends here. It has been ages since I have gone absolutely crazy. Many people find me weird. Even though I maintain a calm dignified poise around myself. Some people are more free and less in control when intoxicated. In my case I don't need the booze just about enough of whatever hormones secreted by my body to make me sleep. Of late however, none of the two have worked any wonders on me though. It is like am contracting deeper and deeper inside a shell. For some reason, talks with close friends in india seem to make me sadder than happier. They would have to say something that would put me off for the rest of the week. I am not sure if I am depressed. But I know I have been in a similar state for at least two weeks. Am I in a mood swing right now. I am no longer an adolescent. Or is it that despite crossing the stage of puberty I am undergoing a late adolescence . Escapist routes are common ways to deal with this and my escapist route may be a little uncoventional. I tend to sleep way more often than not. It might be my escapist route. But what ever escapist route I take sooner or later I will have to come out of my shell and figure out what is wrong with me.